Big Feelings About Gentle Parenting

My toddler has a tantrum no less than three times a day. Some of these melters are mini and can quickly be rectified by asking, “What’s wrong?” Other times, he’s scream-crying, fists clenched while lying on the floor, and no amount of soothing – or bribing – seems to help.

My experience is nothing unusual. Toddlers and even big kids have had bursts of big uncontrollable feelings since the dawn of parenting. Often, they happen during that wildly inconvenient time between afterschool pickup and bedtime. Maybe it starts because a sibling won’t share a toy; sometimes, it’s triggered by someone opening a banana “wrong.”

How Big Feelings Were Handled in the ’90s

In the ‘90s, our parents dealt with a lot of big feelings by not really dealing with them at all. “Stop crying” and “because I said so” were followed up with being sent to your room for a lengthy time out. (Hello, Kevin from Home Alone literally being forgotten in the attic when his family leaves for vacation!) Spanking was shrugged off as “learning consequences,” and picky eating was met with going to bed hungry.

There was nothing “gentle” about the way many of us grew up, and maybe that’s why so many Millennial parents are determined to change that, even if we fail at it most of the time.

Feelings Take Center Stage

These days, parents are encouraged to let empathy and patience guide their handling of tantrums. A kid’s bad behaviour is often interpreted as not having their emotional needs met by the grownups in their life. And many of us are trying our hardest not to raise our voice – and threaten to stop the car and leave our screaming kid on the side of the road – despite feeling overstimulated and ragey.

Millennial parents are doing a lot of self-reflecting of their own childhoods (we’re more likely than any generation to seek therapy), and we’re trying to re-parent ourselves in the ways, perhaps, we wish our big feelings had been considered.

Do I want my kiddo to feel safe to express a full range of emotions? Absolutely. Am I able to stay calm and regulated every time that emotion results in screaming, crying, and hitting? No, but I’m working on it. I’ll softly coo “gentle hands” in one breath, and then take him to his room for a quick time out in another. I’m not the authoritative parent that I grew up with, but I’m also not permissive. It’s far from perfect, but our kids are better for it.